The last year of my 50's

 "I think that I cannot preserve my health and spirits, unless I spend four hours a day at least,--and it is commonly more than that,--sauntering through the woods and over the hills and fields, absolutely free from all worldly engagements. When sometimes I am reminded that the mechanics and shopkeepers stay in their shops not only all the forenoon, but all the afternoon too, sitting with crossed legs, so many of them,--as if the legs were made to sit upon, and not to stand or walk upon,--I think that they deserve some credit for not having all committed suicide long ago."  Walking by Henry David Thoreau

I turned 59 today! I'm not a big fan of my birthday, as it usually serves to remind me of all I have not accomplished in my life.  But I'm changing my perspective.  In these past few months, I have been effectively focusing on my health and fitness.  And in the process, I have been exorcising some pretty dark demons from my soul.  I've endured a lot of trauma in my nearly three-score years on this planet, and I have always just sort of let it take hold of me.  I admit that I am prone to holding on to the darkest parts of my existence with a vice-like grip and wallowing in self-pity and unhealthy decisions.  It may be too late to completely eschew such habits from my general character, but I have been more diligent of late to try and be more present and even, a bit hopeful.  (I know, I know, who is this guy?)

While walking through so many parts of the South Bay over these last three months, I have been drawn back to one of my early mentors, Henry David Thoreau. His work was so transformative on my life and was a cornerstone of my way of thinking.  I played Thoreau as a senior in high school in the play, The Night Thoreau Spent in jail, and being a diligent young actor, I dove into his work for research.  What I found was a profound way of seeing the interconnectedness of the world and the beauty of nature.  

I even wrote a one-man play, mostly I just pulled chunks of material from his many collected works and threw them together into a narrative. (The interesting thing about adapting material from a transcendentalist, is that it all fits together).  I did the play several times to small but appreciative audiences, but every time I did it, I felt a deeper connection to this world and to myself. 

As the trauma has added up over the past few decades, I have (not consciously) found other avenues to deal with them, Instead of "sucking out all the marrow of life," I found comforts in less healthy ways.  I didn't really have it in me to do the real work and look inside.  Instead, I relied on external comforts to calm my hurts.  

But walking a dozen or so miles a day has put me back in the familiar and welcomed shoes of HDT.  My body and mind are both coming back to what they were when I felt my best.  I'm lighter of spirit and body mass.  I'm reading for pleasure again, instead of just comfort and work.  

If you're interested in the facts of my getting in shape journey; when I begun this three months ago, I was 210 lbs.  Today I am 170.  I have also been hitting the gym a couple of times a week so that I'm mostly losing fat and not muscle.  And I am walking everywhere.  My clothes fit better (some clothes I haven't been able to fit for the last three years actually fit me again, while most of those I've bought in the time are like tents now.  I have energy, pep, verve, and excitement for continuing in this lifestyle of health and fitness of both mind a body.

I'm celebrating quietly with my family today before heading to Utah tomorrow to understudy many roles in many plays.  I had hoped to be off-book for all of them by the time I arrived, but that's just the over-achiever in me.  I'm very familiar and will be there by opening.