The Weight of Trauma

 When I was 28, I was in the best shape of my life.  I even did a solo-flex infomercial.  I wasn't the SoloFlex guy, but I was his buddy who wanted to get a little more fit.  I remember being so excited to get that gig.  I think I made like 2 grand and it was by far the most money I had made acting for a day and a half of work.  Plus, I was on TV!

A few months later, I was pissing blood.  I had a bad kidney.  I was (mis) diagnosed with cancer, and that started a huge spiral that ended up blowing up my life.  But that's a story for another time.

I'm writing because I realized recently that every time in my life that I have really focused on my physical health and wellness, getting fit and strong, life has a way of beating me into submission.  You see, when I'm suffering trauma, I tend to self soothe with comfort food, beer, and sitting on my couch rewatching films and tv shows that bring me happiness.  And so, I seem to be caught in this back and forth between physical and mental health.  It's as if I can't be both fit and happy.  But as my friend Moriel pointed out when I brought this fact up to her last year, "correlation is not causation."  

And so, I am once again on a journey to physical health and wellness, while also hoping my life doesn't fall apart causing me to abandon all hope and once again rewatching Ted Lasso on an endless loop. I've been at it for a little over a month now.  Getting my 10,000 steps, eating 1300 calories a day and even occasionally lifting weights.  

And I feel better.  I feel stronger already.  I'm not gasping for air after climbing a few flights of stairs.  And this is just the beginning.  This summer, I'm headed to Utah to understudy several roles, and I plan to use my downtime there to get to work on self-improvement, both physical and mental health at the same time.  

At first, I was bummed that I didn't get cast onstage this summer, but every setback is an opportunity.  I intend to spend some quality time in nature, with my friends, and at the gym.  I'm also going to lock down what I'm covering so I will be ready if I am needed.  

I'll check in with y'all throughout this journey to peak physical and mental fitness.  Stay tuned.


Comments

  1. Megan DolanApril 28, 2026 at 10:50 AM

    I'm on the edge of my seat and can't wait to hear more! I've always known that exercise is essential to my health and well being but have suffered several injuries that have sidelined me over the past few years leaving me filled with regret and frustration. I'm also determined to "figure it out" but having to take things slowly. Thanks for sharing this Patrick!!! I admire you so much.

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