Ups and Downs

 There are ups and downs in every acting career.  For most of us, the downs far outweigh the ups.  You learn to celebrate the little victories, because that's all you're likely to get.  I have been luckier than most, to have built a career in the theatre, with little need of side gigs, and even those have been theatre related for nearly 2 decades.  I have been fortunate!  Blessed even!  I've been going through a rough patch lately.   I try to remind myself of something my friend, the great Peter Van Norden told me: "There are more people behind us wishing they were where we are, than there are in front of us."  I try to stay positive, to live my artistic life like a shark...continually moving forward, not bothering to look back.  Sometimes I'm successful.

In the last year, I've had some really great experiences!  I spent some time at Asolo in Florida, only as an understudy, but trying to break into a new theatre is not an easy thing to do.  I had a great season at Utah Shakes last year, about which you can read my previous blog.  When I got back home, I began to teach an acting class to adults through the Rubicon Theatre.  This was an amazing experience, and most of my students really enjoyed the class, plus I got to see some real breakthrough moments with them.  It made me burst with pride.  Teaching is also the best way to really go back to the work.  Being able to articulate my process and offer the tools I use to others is rewarding in a way I never thought possible.  Those Monday nights in Ventura kept me afloat when I wasn't getting callbacks in the fall.

I also have done some fight choreo.  I had the pleasure of choreographing "She Kills Monsters," for a high school.  My friend Chris Nelson, with whom I have acted many times, teaches and brought me in.  It was so much fun.  I have seen the show many, many times, and the fights have usually underwhelmed me. Particularly the Tiamat fight which I've never seen to be the great climactic battle it is written to be.  Those kids crushed it!  They were so game and so happy to learn and play that it also fed me.  Especially when I was feeling terrible about my work in the one show I did this winter.

I played Marley in "Jacob Marley's Christmas Carol," and for whatever reason it ate me up in a way I haven't floundered in over a decade.  There are a lot of reasons, but I'm not interested in excuses for myself.  I wasn't up to the challenge, and I was the weak link in the show for the first time in my life.  Those who saw it don't agree, but I know.  I had moments in the show of something approaching excellence, but as a whole it wasn't nearly up to my standard.

I had another wonderful opportunity this spring.  I had the joy of doing fight and movement choreography for "The 39 Steps" at the Rubicon Theatre.  A wonderful director and talented cast willing to let me come in and play with them.  They were all so game and it was an absolute joy.  It is currently playing, although there have been a few cancellations because of health issues with the cast.  But once everybody is healthy, go see it!  The high I got from participating in that collaboration fed me.

These little victories have fed me, even though I didn't book a new play that I auditioned for at the Denver Center.  I wanted it maybe as much as I've ever wanted any part.  I got a callback, and they liked my work.  That's a little victory.  Still, it was such a beautiful new work and I wanted it so bad...

The most recent crushing blow was that I didn't get invited back to Utah for this season's company.  Nor have I been cast at anything else at Asolo. Nor did any other festivals need my service this summer.  Some of whom actually sent me lovely notes thanking me for my time and talent...some of which didn't bother to respond to my auditions.  This is how it goes.  This is the industry.  I get it.  I understand it.  I've been on both sides of the table and had to say no to so many talented people.  However, intellectually understanding something doesn't make it hurt any less though.

I'm working with some of my old Seattle friends on a YouTube show called Fake Ass News, which has been great fun so far.  I've only been involved in one show, although Brett and Fara have several different shows running with that title hoping to build audience.  To work with people who knew me in the 90s is wild.  They have seen me go through many of my ages of life.  Crazy joyful.

I also had a fun little supporting role on a vertical that filmed this past week.  I play one of a pair of inept villains, and the director fucking loved my work.  He loved the both of us.  We hit it off, my counterpart and I.  He's done all kinds of guest stars on TV, and he said he was actually envious of the life I've carved out.  One of always having something coming up, always working.  It's another reminder that there are a million actors who would kill to be where I am.  That feeds me a bit.  

One thing I'm not is covetous.  Especially of my friends. I don't look at others with envy.  I'm the guy who pounds the table for my actor friends who aren't in the room.  I've gotten several people work over the years.  I enjoy seeing the people I respect thrive.  It's truly never about what others have that I don't.  It's about how can I be better?  How can I work harder?  What can I do that I am not doing to book the really big things that I desire?  Keep on grinding!  That's all I know how to do.

Although I pour my heartbreak out here for you, my four loyal readers, I am not broken or depressed. These are the ups and downs, but I wouldn't do anything else, even if I could.  I love acting!  I love actors!  I love making theatre!  I just get sad when I don't get to make it enough.